Hi, my sweet boy. Nights are really rough. Restless sleep, hot, cold, tossing, turning, missing you being right there. I’ve been having a hard time figuring out what side of the bed to sleep on because you’re still gone either way. I know it’s impacting me subconcisiously becuse when I notice this, I just ignore it. So it’s like a form of denial because as tired as I am, I’m not ready to “replace” your spot or take up any more room than what I used to. And you had me up against the wall and shit because you always took up the whole bed. And that was just always so special. Everything you did was special! Your existence alone was extremely special. 

It’s also been a really rough hour, with a few breakdowns, which hasn’t happened in a few days. And then it’s like, I’m over here telling myself “I’m okay” but like who am I trying to fool? I am clearly not okay and that’s okay! You’re worth the pain and noticing all these different feelings and facing them head on – because that’s what we do. It’s just been so strange not cooking chicken and white rice for you at 3a – I’m still waking up throughout the night but not exactly at the same times anymore. It’s just so strange, D.

Kristen brought up a really good point that there are a lot of layers to grief – obvi – but especially with the disconnection from satanic panic. I haven’t wanted to call in a very long time but I guess it’s only natural to want that connection. But that’s going backwards, like touching a hot stove and the only thing that will happen is getting sizzled, again, – and nah, I’m good. Not worth the pain and the progress I’ve made for temporary “relief” in your memory. I’d rather honor you in other ways like here – pouring my heart out like I would to you IRL.

I’ve made some more design and layout changes to YDA – nav menu and omitting posts/pages/sections that were duplicative and redundant. When I start getting confused about wtf I’m doing, then I know it’s time to optimize the UX. And you’re helping me see all of that! You’ve really been helping me embrace this damn mobile experience because, duh – everyone’s on mobile. But creating isn’t the same without you next me. “Aint no place that I’d rather be, next to you, next to me.” Remember that old country song? All the old country was the best. Now these fools throw barstools off of rooftops, like, “oops my bad. Shall I leave them a note?” (Cher from Clueless). Oh, D …