Hi, my sweet boy. last night I got inspired to write to you and that turned into creating a graphic template and then today it’s evolved into a customized “dear d” hub.

Look at all of this beauty I’ve created because of you – for you! You always seemed to impress me and here you are still doing that. Bringing out a different side of creativity in me and using YDA to help tell your story – Chief of Sleep being honored by Chief of Storytelling. Such a beautiful tribute to your precious, love-filled life.

Your absence has shown me so many parts of myself I didn’t know were there. You filled every gap in my life with your love, so even in lack, I was never without. Now your spotlight is still shining down looking for you, but you’re not there. Leaving this bright light to beam its radiance on anyone it touches. Just like your sweet personality, your smiley face, your swag, your confidence, your independence. Even when you were scared, I was always there to let you know it’s ok – you don’t need to be scared because I’m right here. And I’m still right here for you – I always will be.

It’s been a rainy weekend which totally matches my mood. Rainy days were our fave as long as we didn’t have to go out when it was raining. But we also had some fun times in the rain! I left a message for Brenda this morning asking if she remembers when all of us, and you, Luna, and Sol were out and it would just start pouring. So fun! It used to drizzle on us a lot too, especially just before it was going to start raining – that was our cue to head back in. Even pretty recently with the rain. Sigh …

For the longest you didn’t mind getting wet, and then later you were like, “um ma’am excuse me lol,” so I got you a couple of hoodie raincoats. Ugh, you always had such a strong hoodie game. Seasonal, plaid, print, plain, pleated – you made them all look good because that’s what G’s do!

Oh D, I wish you were here to enjoy this snuggly weather. We really need this rain too; it’s symbolic of washing away my tears of sadness and moving them along the wheel of life. I see your sweet face and smile, yet I break down because, as much joy as your sweet face brings me, there’s also a major tidal wave of emptiness, sadness, loneliness. I haven’t been outside to walk since last Sunday, with Brenda. But other than that, I haven’t needed a reason to go outside. I have wanted to walk but it doesn’t make any sense for me to be aimlessly walking around – I’ve done that too many times lol. Cali sober still going strong and I hope you know all of this is my way of giving you YOUR FLOWERS! Oh, my sweet D.

I’ve spent the day creating – I just felt like that’s what I needed to be doing. Arranging blog post topics that I’ve been brainstorming on the side + topics about caring for your sweet lil face. It feels really good! I have 17 posts drafted with custom featured images – no loop grids here, haha! You know we hate those loop grids – assholes.

But yeah, it’s been a decent day and then I just sat at the Command Center for the first time since you left and holy shit, fuck, damn, did a rush come over me and a full-on breakdown.

D – I sat here at 3a building YDA while your sweet face went back to sleep next to me. I’d work from bed with you next to me – anywhere I was, you were there. Always next to me. My rid or die, no limit solider. And now, after 19 years and 9 ½ months, you’re gone. And it fucking hurts, like gut-wrenching. I wonder if this is what a fish feels like being gutted because holy catfish this is painful. 

I miss you. I miss looking over and seeing you. I miss you wanting to walk around the treehouse, lay in your bed on the floor, always hide your eyes from the light – you were so good at that. And I always knew to do the same, like that last morning at Veg ER when I covered your sweet face and eyes with our blanket because that’s just how we were. That was our unspoken language, and without you saying anything to me, I knew it was time for you to leave me and go keep Mama, Papa, Isabel, Auntie, Fito, Maggie and Sammie your biological mom and dad, Chanel and your other cousins. Meanwhile I’m here like what’s my name again because I feel so lost without you.

Tomorrow is Monday, again, and every second of every day varies, literally – I’m hoping it’s a “good week” whatever the fuck that means, and things continue moving forward. I just wish you were still with me on that journey, but I’m so, so grateful for the nearly 20 years we had together! You are, and you were, my fairytale. “My forever and ever, amen” just like Randy Travis said.

There are small pieces of white rice on the floor, in the carpet from you. The rice and chicken always wanted to stay with you because you had such an amazing life, even your food didn’t wanna leave you. There’s also rice on the ottomans downstairs – where I used to wipe your mouth and lil body down after walks and meals. But sometimes my motherly duties would miss some stragglers and find rice in bed and toss them on the floor. And since you’ve been gone, the sweet rice just totally breaks me and reminds me of you and just how good you always were. Always such a good, good boy, you’d still stay standing on the ottoman when I’d step away quickly and I always said to myself – “he’s such a good boy, just patiently standing there.” And you were – always, such a good boy. That’s why it hurts so much more. I guess if you weren’t such a sweet good, loving boy this wouldn’t be so hard. Or if we hadn’t been inseparable for 2+ years – but gosh, I am so thankful and beyond fortunate for that time. Using lemons to make some fucking limoncello lol. Oh just come back home D. I’ll come pick you up right now, just say the word.

I do need to “pick you up” though from the ER vet. But that’s like a new level of grief that I’m not ready for yet. Maybe by next weekend? Your blankets have been washed, just here, folded and waiting for you

In other news, I’ve read 100+ pages over the last week, since you’ve been gone. The Devil Aspect – some twisted shit, just how we like it, but talk about twists and turns I didn’t see coming. Ok, was dude’s bro one of the devil’s six all along? How did I miss that lol. I was on that YDA grind! But since it had been 3 months since I read, I think it’s time for a new lineup of books. Idk we’ll see. It just feels good to read after a long stretch. 

Oh D, I just fixed the fitted sheet and lost it. You’re not on the bed for me to move while I do that. I’m so proud of my strong moments but I’m also proud of my emotional moments because I get to feel how complete you made my life. It’s like writing to you is helping me process your absence. Because when I stop and try to relax, I just get so restless and emotional. Like I said earlier, writing to you is my new way of communicating with you, like Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore in Ghost by-way of Whoopie. It’s an adjustment but at least I have this creative outlet that’s keeping me close to you and your precious memory. I fucking miss you, dude.